Two Bedrooms, One Sister, and a Very Confused Brother

How do you explain to your child that a sibling has gone off to college?

Noah’s older sister, Ilyia, has been there since day one. She is one of the people he listens to the most, probably fears a little, loves tremendously, and absolutely loves to torment.

Basically, normal sibling stuff.

One of Noah’s favorite activities is walking into Ilyia’s room and flicking her light switch on and off until he gets a response. Sometimes it is yelling. Sometimes it is Ilyia escorting him out of her room. Sometimes he gets exactly the reaction he was hoping for and walks away completely satisfied with himself.

Mission accomplished.

But now Ilyia has gone off to college, and that is a pretty big change in Noah’s world.

Over the years, I have learned that preparing Noah for change is usually our best course of action. It can be something as simple as reminding him that he has school tomorrow, telling him we are going to church in the morning, or letting him know that his ABA tech is coming over to "hang out" with him.

The more he knows what is coming, the better.

So last week, I started preparing him for Ilyia leaving for college. I explained that she was going to have two bedrooms now. She has her bedroom at home and another bedroom at college.

For Noah, I thought "two bedrooms" might be easier to understand than "your sister is moving away but not really moving away."

Thank goodness for FaceTime. He can still see her, talk to her, and probably annoy her remotely.

But he keeps looking in her bedroom.

Each time, I remind him that Ilyia will be home again. She just has two rooms now. One at home and one at college.

I also plan to take Noah to her college campus and show him where she lives. I am hoping that seeing her dorm room, seeing the campus, and understanding where she goes when she is not at home will help make this change a little more concrete for him.

It is a change for all of us, but with Noah I often find myself wondering how much he truly understands.

He still talks about a wonderful inclusion helper he had in elementary school. I honestly cannot remember if she worked with him through second or third grade, but Noah certainly remembers her.

"Where is R?"

"She moved."

"Why?"

"Noah, you tell me."

"Husband’s job."

We can have this same conversation multiple times in one week.

He remembers the words. He remembers the person. He remembers the explanation.

But does he understand what it means that she moved away?

That is the question I often find myself asking.

And now I wonder the same thing about Ilyia going to college. Does Noah understand that she still lives here but also lives somewhere else? Does he understand that she will come home? Does he understand why her room is suddenly empty?

Or does he simply know that his sister is supposed to be there and right now she is not?

Sometimes we assume that because Noah can repeat an explanation, he understands the meaning behind it. I am not always sure that is true. Other times, he understands far more than we give him credit for.

So, for now, we will keep explaining. We will FaceTime. We will visit campus. We will show him her second bedroom. We will remind him that she is coming home.

And I am fairly certain that when she does come home, Noah will celebrate her return by walking straight into her room and flicking the light switch.

Some things should never change.

If you have navigated something similar with your child, whether it was a sibling leaving home, moving, losing someone important, or another major life change, I would love to hear what worked for you. How did you help your child understand and process the change?

Sometimes the best ideas come from other families who have already been there.

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